Yay!!!! Friday!!!!! It may be time to brush up on your pick-up lines since there’s a new sign.
A 13th sign is being added to the Zodiac calendar to account for the Earth’s shift over the last few thousand years.
WTF? Did I need my mind blown today? No.
Astronomer Park Kunkle says the signs you were born under are different now because a wobble on the planet’s axis generated a one-month bump in star alignment.
It just freakin’ figures. I’m now the water boy. How just like life. Grrrr.
Star gazers say ‘Earth is currently in a different spot in relation to the Sun, and its equatorial alignment has changed from 3,000 years ago when the study of astrology began — back when 12 zodiac signs were assigned to 12 different periods of the year’.” (NBC 2 News)
Do tell!
Here’s your real horoscope adjusted:
- Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
- Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11
- Pisces: March 11- April 18
- Aries: April 18- May 13
- Taurus: May 13- June 21
- Gemini: June 21- July 20
- Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
- Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
- Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
- Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
- Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
- Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
- Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20
I see a snake-handler.
My Aquarius sign is ruled by Uranus! Get it???
😆 😆 😆
WriteChic Press 
That’s okay. I was getting tired of the bow-and-arrow bit. But do I get to keep my Scorpio rising?
Holy fuck! Are you now the 13th sign? I may have to write a feature post on you, Ric. 😀
It feels all mystical and shit. 😆
(I don’t know how I know my rising sign was Libra…maybe my great-grandma told me.)
I could put your head on the snake guy. 😆
It’s nice that you care. 😆
Totally. 😀
…wait 😈 Shit, I almost fell out of character.
😆 😆 😆
I’ve still got the stuff!!!
Aw, rats. I was a borderline Capricorn anyway (by 4 minutes), now I’m a Sagittarius. My father and sister are now – what the heck is that thing? Upsy-daisy? Ouchy-oochy? Ah, whatever! Figure out what an Ophiuchus is, and let us know! And thanks for this stellar update! (Uck! Bad puns! Phooie! No, Opi-phooie!)
All I know is: we must pronounce Ophiuchus as “O, Fuck us.” Because that’s just funny.
(I think I’ll tell the 13th commenter, “I’m ruled by Uranus.) 😀
P.S. John, For your father, sister, and mankind:
http://www.love-astrology.com/13th-sign-of-the-zodiac/ophiuchus-13th-sign/
He sounds like a healer. Right on.
(Are you paying attention, Ric? It’s time to give up your manly man ways and become the healer.)
Not gonna happen. I’m gonna be Rudra to the bitter end.
Omigod, the new sign is Egyptian? Don’t you know all Egyptian gods are evil aliens? (The Goa’uld!) Now they’re gonna come through the Stargate and get us! And they’re gonna be PISSED, ’cause we’ve blown up several of their fellow Goa’uld! WE’RE IN FOR IT NOW! Somebody call the Tok’ra! The Asgard! SOMEBODY!!!
(Reality is a crutch for those who can’t handle Stargate!) 😀
By the way, why does that Astrology site NOT have the 13th symbol on its’ header?
😀
The site was the first that came up on Google, John.
I always wondered, if all human gods were actually aliens, why they never touched on Yahweh, Jesus, or Allah?
Well, I *know* why, but there’s still a rational whole there that I wish could have been filled despite Westboro Baptist and the Mohammed-cartoon Jihad.
Usually I do very well at nerdfests. But I never saw the Stargate stuff. 😀
Oh, dear lady, you are missing SO much. I’m not big into the spinoffs (ok, 2nd tier spinoffs), but SG-1 was great – until they promoted Jack O’Neill. Besides, it’s got Amanda Tapping AND Teryl Rothery (my fave – I like short, tough women so much, I married one!) for the guys, Richard Dean Anderson AND Michael Shanks AND Christopher Judge for the girls, military stuff, explosions, sci-fi, alternate history, cool technology…. a perfect set-up for any nerd-fan! If you get Showtime on your cable/satellite package, it runs on the “Showtime Beyond” channel. I’d recommend it, but as you can tell from my write-up, I have mixed feelings. (Yeah, RIGHT! Haven’t seen the boy drool so much since he met Grace Lee Whitney!) Sorry, that was one of the voices in my head. I don’t mind them talking, it’s when they hijack the keyboard that I get a little miffed… 😀
It’s easier to do the multi-theistic pantheons as aliens. Single deities don’t work as well, unless you use Star Trek TNG’s episode “The Devil’s Due” as a model. Besides, ancient Egyptians or Norsemen aren’t really the suicide-bomber types, so it’s pretty safe to take liberties with THEIR gods. Now, maybe if a few Greeks declared … (whatever “jihad” translates into Greek) because somebody named a car “Apollo” or something like that, THEN franchises like SG1 would be in trouble……
Man, now I feel like a six-year-old being told Pluto ain’t a planet no more. I want my Capricorn/ice cream/woobie back.
First, Pluto… Now, my Zodiac… That’s it, I’m hiding in my closet with a bowl of Corn Flakes and I’ll never come out again. 😥
Jean-Philippe. Do you know Senator Lindsey Graham is in the closet?
This would be the least surprising coming out ever.
But you gained Ceres, Haumea, Makemake, and Eris. 🙂
We had Ceres already, but it was snatched away in the 19th century.
And Eris? Fnord.
But Ceres is an official dwarf planet. At least you get a he-man sign. Poor Jean-Philippe is a woman who hasn’t had sex…like Janet Napolitano.
And I’m a boy. My life sucks. I’d tell you I’m ruled by Uranus, but you’re not the 13th commenter. 😀
i couldn’t spell sagittarius without googling it (2 t’s? 2 r’s?), and now i can’t even pronounce ophiuchus, let alone spell it! i think i’ll just tell people i was adopted, and my birth records were lost, so i don’t know what sign i am.
But there’s so many other options! Your sign could be “One Way”, “School Zone”, “One Lane Bridge”, or my favourite from the Elgin, Illinois area – “Do Not Pick Up Hitch-Hikers”. (These signs are around the perimeter of the state looney bin. C’mon, I’d think they would be FUN to pick up!)
when you come right down to it, better to be an ophiuchus than a reince priebus. ophiuchus sounds like some kind of rash, but reince priebus sounds like a venereal disease.
Or the cause of Toyota’s next recall. “Today, Toyota recalled 90,000 Priebus built between 2008 and 2010 to replace a faulty reince joint. Failure of this joint could cause excessive partisanship and a failure of the common sense systems. Toyota recommends you do not drive your Priebus until you have the Reince joint replaced. Thank you, The Management”
😆
One mother hated her newborn badly…
And just how did his parents come up with that name? Did they feed the dog Scrabble tiles until he barfed, and that’s what came out? Or until the dog…. um…. “finished digesting” the tiles, and that’s all they could pick out of the … um… “partisan rhetoric”? (Hey, I like that! Instead of yelling “Shit!” when something goes wrong, yell “Partisan Rhetoric!”. Naw, that wouldn’t work, too hard to get that out through clenched teeth after a guy falls off his bicycle seat onto the upper bar.) 😉
i think i might have been right when i referenced venereal disease. reince priebus anagrams into: cure penis brie. apparently, the disease causes some kind of cheeselike discharge.
Anagram Horrors! You are the 13th Sign! 😯
I made nightmares because of this anagram… Thanks a lot, Nonnie!!
😉
Per Jon Stewart on The Daily Show – How does Pubic Rerinse sound?
Nightmare. I wonder if he was persecuted as a boy.
Oh, dear girl, I’ll put it this way. All I was in school was overweight and bespectacled, and plenty of folk made my life Hell. If we here can come up with these rather unkind anagrams, imagine what a vicious, vindictive mass of schoolkids could come up with! Might explain a lot about the guy, though…… 😉
Rinse Pubis needs to hold a conference or something. I want to write about him. 😈
A conference like this?
Did I need to see a syphilitic penis, Jean-Philippe???????? 😯
👿 I will pay you back. 👿
Get a room! Lock Jean-Philippe inside. Throw away the key.Laugh maniacally as you exit the building.
You scared me, Ric. Syphlitic penis is no segue for “Get a room.” 😯
Lessee, I could sign him up for a “Yay, we all have herpes” dating website. Hmmm.
Yeah, that’s almost like a room.
Please leave me a book.
One book for you, J-P: http://www.amazon.com/Going-Rogue-American-Sarah-Palin/dp/0061939897
😯
Did you ever see a man running through a brick wall?
Hey, now, none of that stuff! Haven’t you heard of the Geneva Convention? That’s cruel and inhumane (and inhuman) punishment! 🙂
Yep. Jean-Philippe’s brain will have rogue brain herpes, and I’ll laugh. 😈
OK. Let’s compromise. 90 min of waterboarding. Daily. Please.
I don’t think a lobotomy can remove those horrific images, much less a cut-rate “brainwash”.
You DO realise you’ve found THE greatest source of comedy film available to Americans, yes? World War 2 health training films. You have to see the one on malaria (I think that’s the one) With the mosquito drawn like Jessica Rabbit. Great fun!
John. The humor tanked at syphilitic penis. They had me until then.
Sorry, should’ve warned you about that. I’ve seen so many of these things that I’ve been numbed to some of the more horrific sights. Look for the animated ones (and there are far more than you would think there should be!), they are tamer and also far funnier.
Oh, Lawdie, Lawdie, there is SO much ammunition there for REALLY bad puns. It’s just too easy. (And the first person to reply “It ain’t easy bein’ cheesy” will be painted bright orange and mailed to John Boehner as statue material!) So are you saying that Reince NEEDS the cure for penis brie, or he IS the cure for penis brie? Please, we’ve already done the Congressional page jokes to death some years ago!
more like this…he couldn’t get laid, because every time he got a boehner, the reince priebus on the tip made even prostitutes turn and run.
This comment gives me a compulsion for popping and bathing in std prescriptions:
Oh, Noonie9999, sinking to rancid puns? Don’t you know puns are THE lowest form of humour, representing a truly diseased and warped mind?
I LOVE IT!!!!! BLESS YOU!!!!!
Keep ’em coming, I’m a pun fiend! (Kinda like a dope fiend, but since my prescriptions are WAY better than what I could get on the streets, I’ll stick with puns!) 😀
i only used a pun, because i couldn’t think of a fart joke. 🙂
Fart joke, eh? Ahem. “Pull. My. Priebus.”
Bravo! 😆
Pull your Priebus? But Toyota hasn’t
released the plug-in Priebus yet.
Whoops! Sorry, wrong joke line.
John Erickson! I’m so glad you’re here now. 🙂
Okay, fair warning. I’m gonna save
this post, and in a couple months
when you can’t STAND my stupid
jokes, I’m gonna blackmail you
with it! 😀
Ha! I have phenomenal editing powers. 😀
That’s fine, go for the pun OR the fart joke. That concept is one a guy shouldn’t be thinking about. (An orange boner/boehner? Sounds worse than penis brie! Somebody needs to lay off the Cialis!)
Oh Lord, what would happen if those two got together and adopted a kid? Reince Boehner? Mercy, just tattoo a bullseye on the kid’s forehead!
no! no more bullseyes! just a sign on his back that says ‘kick me.’
Nonnie – Replace a bullseye with a “Kick Me” sign? Boy, Target stores are gonna have a LOT of work
ahead of them! 😉
I can help: “O Fuck Us” with an I before U.
So, my Nonnie is also the 13th sign? Two healers.
(Where’s the Sesame Street Count?)
the 13th sign sounds like a horror movie that doesn’t end well. 😯
You have all the traits of the sole character who survives. Plus, you can’t kill the 13th sign. You have super healing powers. Utility.
well, if i’m the one who survives, then it’s fine. 🙂
WTF? I’m not a virgin!!!
Don’t worry, Jean-Philippe. The fundamentalist Christians will help you. You just simply reclaim your virginity for Jesus. 😀
This is very soothing. 😉
😆
As a Virgo, I guess I need a plan…
damn.my sides r killing me.At least I moved to a recognizable sign…I think.fukit.no I aint.I been a capricorn too long.I like my capris and my korn.
You’ll make a fine archer horse guy. 😀
OfuckUs sounds more like a candidate for a patron saint for people like myself that maybe spent a little too much time in marching band. Pretty sure my new sign will be Darrien Toms.
Rachel Maddow had fun with the new sign. She could have been a kick ass instructor. But I’m glad she’s on TV. 🙂
Uranus jokes never get old! Here’s a funny one:
http://bofadeez.blogspot.com/2011/01/whose-anus.html
Thank you, Reggie! I will dazzle my sons with Uranus charm at tomorrow night’s supper. 😀
one of my favorites from a cartoon I can’t remember the name of was when the professor said something something Urectum and fry said you mean uranus?the professor said no-they had to change the name of the planet because they got tired of all the butt jokes.
Good news everyone. That cartoon would be Futurama! As Bender would say: “We’re back baby!”
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This is bullshit. I know people born in those times that act just like their sign and nothing like the purported newly corresponding signs; which apparently have little to do with astrology since astrology is mainly based on planetary influences, instead of stellar