As you all know it’s the eve of the Rapture. Wingnut Christians are beaming up to the mothership–affectionately referred to as Jesus.
You won’t have Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich (wait, I’m being told the Newt stays), the tea party and all of the other nuts to point and laugh at anymore.
Harold Camping is apparently Jesus’ Judgment Day point man on Earth. Guess Jesus will be too busy kicking Jewish people ass in Jerusalem to do everything. Priorities.
Camping got some mixed signals in the ’90s and thought Jesus would be visiting in ’94, but he recalibrated the time since Noah’s Ark (WTF????), and May 21, 2011 is freelz. (NYT)
My teenager (not a nut) still has my Visa card that I loaned him last night. If he gets raptured even accidentally, he’s so grounded.
One nut, who could use a visit from Child Protective Services says,
I have mixed feelings. I’m very excited about the Lord’s return, but I’m fearful that my children might get left behind. But you have to accept God’s will.” –Ms. Haddad Carson
Her teenage daughter is more worried about the birthday party she was invited to for Saturday night:
So if the world doesn’t end, I’d really like to attend,” Grace said before adding, “Though I don’t know how emotionally able my family will be at that time.”
12:25 PM CDT
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Updates–unless my ass is accidentally rapture in the pre-game show bonanza.
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Friday
12:34 CDT–Since I’m still here, here’s a prank to play on the gullibilities of your wingnut neighbors. Enjoy.
1:10 CDT–Just saw Lawrence O’Donnell pointing out the Camping nut is not such a nut. He’s made 70 million dollars by scaring the bejeezus out of credulous types. Wall Street LOVES this guy.
2:17 CDT–Fuck. I’m jonesing for chocolate.
5:18 CDT–Debating pizza for dinner.
6:02 CDT–Yay, my 15 year old son made first chair French horn.
6:50 CDT–Yay, my 16 year old son will play bari sax in the top jazz band.
7:56 CDT–Stuffed with pizza.
Saturday
10:32 CDT–No apocalyptic shit yet.
1:53 CDT-Floor mopped for the Apocalypse Not.
7:22 CDT–Saying “fuck” a lot pays off. Not raptured. 😀
WriteChic Press 
The problem with his 1994 prediction? “He forgot to take into account year zero” – a direct quote from one of his people. SOOOOO – missing one year throws your guess off 17? That is SOME math! 😀
Never fear, M, if you do get accidentally raptured, I can take over from you. Trust me, I will be THE person left to turn out the lights. 😉
John, I don’t feel like cooking dinner. Is two large pizzas for ten bucks thrifty enough?
You get pizzas for five bucks each? Damn, girl, you’re in heaven already.
Little Caesar’s hooks me up. 😀
Render unto Caesar’s….
True dat
that was my God impression
I’m impressed. But I’m easy.
That’s what all the chicks say.
They do? Can you get me phone numbers?
The velocity of your wit is too much. Heisenberg would be confounded. 😆
Are you certain?
Fine. We rendezvous by Melissa. She can order the pizzas, I’ll bring the weapons, lights, commo and tools, and Ric, you can bring….. well …. whatever it is you bring! 😀
My charm, my wit, my vast wealth, my incredible sexy manliness vibes, and my books on critical thinking (they work on Christians sort of like garlic and crosses work on vampires).
Sounds great! Especially the books on critical thinking. Then again, if all the Christians get raptured, guess there wouldn’t be much call for them. Then again, we can always use fire fuel and substitute TP. Use a critical thinking book to wipe, become a smart ass? 😀
I was thinking Melissa and I could chant fallacies at them as they rise up. Sort of like shooting clay pigeons. Shatter their delusions and watch them fall out of the sky.
And I think maybe I’ll want you to stay away from my books, John.
Like Matt Damon’s roll with the nun in Dogma. Right on. 🙂
😆 That was funny, John…funnier for non-Ric books 😆
Hey, whatever you feel like, go for it. I’d ask you to order one for me, but the delivery charge would be HORRIFIC! 😀
Oh, and from the BBC:
“An atheist and entrepreneur from North Hampshire, Bart Centre, is enjoying a boost in business for Eternal Earth-bound Pets, which he set up to look after the pets of those who believe they will be raptured. He has more than 250 clients who are paying up to $135 (£83) to have their pets picked up and cared for after the rapture. They would be disappointed twice, he told the Wall Street Journal. “Once because they weren’t raptured and again because I don’t do refunds.””
Gotta love this guy! 😀
Is it too late for me to invent a voucher scheme for these people? I really hope this means the dismantling of the religious nut channels.
One can only hope, though I wouldn’t bet on the religious channels going away. These guys tend to be like dandelions – you get rid of one, and 6 pop up in his place.
…and all with fuzzy, poufy heads.
Yeah, those dos are BIG don’ts.
If only they would blow away as easily….
Maybe they help with lift when rapturing.
Still there, M, or have you been taken?
I got a pocket knife, a banana, and a copy of “Wilderness Living & Survival Skillz” (http://www.amazon.com/Primitive-Wilderness-Living-Survival-Skills/dp/0967877776) — I am ready to go all Mad Max on whatever Morlocks are left over after the balloon goes up.
Think Jesus will arrive in an icre cream truck? I could go for a Choco Taco right about now….
Dude, I got the bunker here. Multiple sources of water, generators (not mine, but I know where they are), weapons, ammo, water filtration, kerosene lamps, WW2 Army field phones (like in MASH), bicycles AND a Moped AND 3 cars (2 that run), rail lines nearby, and some nearby bulk food storehouses.
And goats. Goats are important!
And cows for more food.
(That’s all my fractured brain can come up with.) 🙂
I got…um….I got….well….
I pretty much just got the banana.
That’s okay, we need somebody to crank the pedal generator…. 😉
I’m eating pizza, Jim.
Maybe the butthole of hell is opening up somewhere. It’s freaking hot outside. I may have to succumb to one of the 7 deadly sins: central air.
Also, is it me or are a large proponderance of tha raptureds in your picture hot babes?
And Ric, of course. But mostly with the babes.
You’re God, and can choose whoever you want for eternity. Do you go for ugly dudes, or hot chicks? 😉
I am not going, I don’t care what they offer me, I am not… Babes? Hot young babes? Hot young delusional babes who think they’re being raptured? Wait, I gotta rethink my position on this deal…
😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆
And in more unrelated news, I just heard that Randy “Macho Man” Savage died early today, when he lost control of the Jeep he was driving in Florida. 55 years old, an icon of the early days of the WWF (now WWE) alongside “Hulk” Hogan. And another bit of my youth falls away. 😦
Make his age 59. Seems the twerps at NBC put up the wrong year. Quaint.
Perhaps his jeep was raptured and he wasn’t. Could be a problem.
You don’t own Chrysler products, do you? I’d say HE was raptured, as God would love some entertainment, but sadly enough, it looks like a probable heart attack.
Thanks for the smile, though! 🙂
My folks used to own a Chrysler town car, convertible, with real wood paneling on the sides. My life though has been used Volkswagens and cheap Fords. And motorcycles. Give me a Triumph Tiger/Daytona and I’ll just rapture until god dies.
Dang, you DESERVE to be raptured for putting up with cheap Fords. (Are there any OTHER kind of Fords?) You got taste going for a Triumph, though. Great bikes, crappy cars. (Well, not so much crappy. More frustrating, when you hit the headlights and the radio turns on. Or you try to turn on the radio and the wipers switch off. Or you hit the turn indicator and the whole dang car goes dark!) 😀
I just hate when the Ford knobs fall off. Right now my blinker is sticking. Pisses me off. 😡
The old cars from the Forties and Fifties were the best. They had big back seats. Great for rapturing.
Somehow, Ric, I think that’s a different type of rapturing. Then again, to each their own! 😉
Oh yeah! Definitely different!
See how your comment segues nicely from Jesus and Old Scratch going at it. 🙂
So did Macho Man ever wrestle the Assassin? The Assassin is the only one I remember…probably because the word “ass” is in it twice.
Not really sure, I think the Assassin came along after I lost interest. Call me fickle, I found traveling around the US and escorting gorgeous women from various sci-fi shows more entertaining than two big, sweaty guys trying to hug each other……
It’s fine. I don’t even care. Just making small talk. 😀
Don’t let her fool you. She’s still thinking about the two big sweaty guys trying to hug each other…
Jesus doesn’t seem like a bright guy: the Rapture takes place Sunday at 6:00 PM. Not 6:00 Eastern Time or Holy Land Time. 6:00 everywhere. So Jesus will destroy our world one time zone at the time. Starting… Friday 11:00 PM. That’s a lousy plan, Jesus.
Hey, just ’cause He’s the son of God doesn’t mean he’s got an MBA in Business Management! Besides, He’s only one person … er … God … er …. Son of God … er … WHATEVER!!!!
Well, hell, let’s just gas up the car and head west real fast.
(Can Fords float?)
No, but my old 1973 Vega could. By trade-in time in 1989, the whole car below the wheel wells was fibreglass and Bondo. VW Bugs do – not sure about Golf variants. There’s a big dual-pontoon job not far from here, and a bunch of heavy-duty trucks about 6 houses down. Otherwise, I’ll check with the wife tonight and see if there’s a nice cabin cruiser or two around here.
I like the hairier ones:
Way to seize on the “judging” part in Judgment Day, Jean-Philippe. I guess we may lose you, too. 😥
I’m pretty optimistic. Jesus is gonna be so spent after Asia, Europe and Africa that he might get sloppy for America. I assume he’ll just say, “Oh, who gives a (?*$&?# about Canada!!”
Canada’s got Christians? I thought it was just full of Canadians.
Canada is the most Christian land. Half of the year, we pray so that Winter will end.
When was the last time winter ended? ’78? I think it was a Tuesday…
Lucky you have the Banana Belt, 0whole1:
Wait, what? I must be missing something — what’s the guy laughing at?
The Banana Belt–as far as you’re concerned. 😉
I thought they had ten months of winter and two months of rough sledding. Prayer just ain’t gonna fix that!
(Or was that Minnesota. I get those ice tombs mixed up.)
Isn’t Boston friggin’ freezing in the winter, too?
Of course not. We’re way too civilized up here to freeze. Or sweat.
Oh yeah…yall are like the king in this cartoon:
What? Fat? Rude? Arrogant? Ugly? Loud?
Clarify your terms!!
No, no. If you say, “Hasenpfeffer, heff, heff, heff, heff,” and notice how natural it feels to you saying it–that’s what I’m talking about. Duh.
Hmmm. I think you may have been partially raptured already.
Maybe. 😉
You might be right. I don’t see the Almighty taking to freezing his balls off.
i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but i don’t think chuckleberry is going to get raptured. look at the picture. only thin people are getting sucked up to heaven. i guess g-d should have gotten a dyson.
p.s. i’m jewish, so if anyone needs me to look after their pets or water their plants, let me know.
This can’t be the meaning of the Chosen People….pet and plant care? Of course maybe that would be a fitting job for stewards of creation. 🙂
Hey…the shit should hit the fan in Israel like 14 minutes ago (yayyy google time zone search!!!). The Wiccans should cast a hippie spell on Jesus so he can’t do any Kung Fu moves on the Israelites.
That was awesome!!!! 😆
Black Dynamite — well worth a rental.
P.S. I gotta give props to Jesus for arm wrestling the devil without a glove. There’s no way I’d let those grody cooties on me.
8:30 AM – my t-shirts and underwears have been raptured in the laundry machine.
Spain is having a youth quake. I don’t think that counts.
So are we going to have a “Rapture after party” like a number of other cities and groups? I wouldn’t mind getting a shot as some of those $5 pizzas! 😀
Hey, Melissa, do you deliver? I’ll take two pizzas, thanks. (Rocking after the Rapture, with pizzas and a blonde! Those Christaballoons are gonna miss all the fun.)
John, is shooting at pizzas legal in your neck of civilization?
Dude, not only is shooting at ANYTHING legal in this area, but your manhood and patriotism are questioned if you DON’T shoot at anything and everything. I’ve heard fewer shots in a day during one of our big-time re-enactments than I hear on an average day. Deer season opening sounds like the audio track to a war movie! 😀
See what Ric misses living among the civilized folks?
We don’t need guns. We maim, wound, and kill with wit and sarcasm.
Ain’t he the one from Boston? Isn’t civilised and Boston an oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp or military intelligence? 😀
Are you kidding me? I thought it was scullers, scholars or you’re kicked out.
Hey, if Harvard…. excuse me … “Hahvahd” is your idea of civilisation, you need to get out more! Besides, they wouldn’t even let me into town – I’m allergic to seafood and high-falutin’ college-edumacated folk!
Hey, don’t be casting aspersions and shit at me. I’m in Alabama:
Civilization sold separately. 😀
Alabama Man … an M classic!
I would never cast aspersions at you – you’re just like me, the exception to the area you live in. You know, intelligent, educated, having a family tree that actually forks……
Cape Cod, dude, Cape Cod. Every year we stand at the bastions of the Cape Cod Canal to repel the hordes of Boston oxymorons who continue to think the Cape really wants tourists to come here and defile our land and air and water. The level of sarcasm used is simply off the charts.
Oh, BTW can I borrow some of your guns? Got anything automatic in fifty cal? Or Claymores. Hell, we may have to resort to poisoning and trapping this year. Just too damn many tourists.
Sadly, all my gear is 30 cal and bolt-action. Don’t have any Claymores pre-made, but I could whip you up a batch – just need to pick up the supplies.
Now, if you have some time, and don”t mind a road trip, I know a place about 2 hours outside downtown Chicago where we can pick up 2 tanks, a halftrack with a quad 50-cal, and a few trucks with at least two 75mm howitzers. Would that help? 😉
Well, that would be a start…
I was thinking maybe some primacord and C4 to take down the bridges, but the bastidges would probably swim across…
Hell, it’d be cheaper just to move off the damn Cape. It’s going to go under in a few years anyway. I could probably get a good price on the house from a climate-change denier.
That’s why I rely on swords. Swords never run out of ammo, and if you can reach them, they are where they don’t belong. 🙂
Swords won’t do it. There’s too many of the enemy. It’s either pens or high explosives.
Say, how about a B2 bomber? Any of those available?
Pens.
Or keyboard.
Don’t know about the B-2, but I do know the layout of America’s version of CERN, a place called Fermilab in Illinois. Should be able to get some REALLY radioactive stuff outta them. Then we just need to rent a Cessna and drop a dirty bomb on them. And if that’s overkill, we can build our own version of one of the “chunkers” from “Pumpkin Chucking”, but built to fire bowling balls. That should work!
I suppose I could just charm them to death.
Or grease the roads approaching the bridges. Let ’em slide into the water, nice and clean.
Wow … If reading this thread wouldn’t change Camping’s mind, nothing will. Can Sarah get Newt an exemption from staying?
I don’t think Sarah will do it, Frank. Would you want to look at that blockhead for eternity? 😉
Hey, don’t buck the system:
This Rapture stuff is wearing me out. I think I’m going to prepare for the Nap-ture.
Sure, come late to the party and then poop out.
No pizza for this guy, M.
😆 Looks like Camping needs to recalibrate is super duper rapture predicting machine 😆
Damn, that didn’t work! M, how do I put a video in here?
you forgot the equal sign. 🙂
What equal sign? I don’t need no steenking equal sign.
Is that your Mexican accent? 😆
Hey, M, give Ric a break. He has to deal with enough weird accents, between the Boston and NYC tourists!
Not to mention that Alabama accent Melissa always uses on her blog.
I don’t know, I think her accent is cute! 😉
Suckup!
Do you realise how long I searched for the correct adjective? It was hard work coming up with “cute”. I was going to choose “adorable”, but that even made ME gag! 😀
Deservedly so!
Anyway, now that Rapture Season has Ruptured, I’m giving my attention to NCAA College Softball Championships. Better than baseball (tiddlywinks, checkers, and watching paint dry are better than baseball). And there is crying in softball!
Oh Lord, deliver me from sports fans! Boy, you, Frank, and all the other baseball/softball NUTS I gotta deal with are driving me NUTS! (Well, more so.) Why can’t you have decent, normal hobbies like designing your own battleships and starfleets? And people claim I’m strange…..
So much for male bonding! Bah!
But maybe you don’t understand. College softball is wimmen’s softball. You know, coeds. Girls. And they play a mean, serious game too. They’d wreck your battleship.
So, do they play only in the rain? Or mud? Or Jello? 😉
No Jello.
They actually make baseball, albeit softball, fun to watch. Men playing baseball pretty much manage to look all bored and macho, with the emotional content of a teaspoon, except for the anger. Women playing college and pro softball: big emotional range, like ten octaves. (I should note that I find most men at least as boring as paint drying.)
But hey, I wouldn’t want to pull you away from your battleships to watch sports. 🙂
Hey, battleships or chicks, aren’t all us guys looking for big guns? 😉
Ummm… I think you may be confused about your metaphors.
You’ve never heard of calling a woman’s …. um … upper chest protrusions “guns”, or especially “big guns”? As in, “look at the big guns under HER sweater”?
Jeez, way to make a guy feel old! 🙂
Of course if you’re feeling that old then size shouldn’t matter…
Oh, you’re frickin’ killin’ me. 😆
Like the boys on the US Alaska-class said, “It ain’t the size, it’s the elevation that counts.” 😉
(That may not work too good, unless you understand the naval combat concept of plunging fire. And no, that’s not a double entendre.)
Damn, I AM old…..
Just checking to see if you’re still there.
BTW: I told each of my pastors this morning that it was my last service there ever. They look confused, so I milked it a bit more before telling them, “Since they didn’t come through, I have to find a new church.” One pastor responded, “Good luck finding a church that was successful and still has members.” What a hoot!
Well, Frank, I’ll answer you, but since I’m the designated “turn out the lights” guy,I might not be the best indicator of “rapture success”. 😀
Still sucking wind on Planet Alabama. What church denomination do you go to again?
Hey … I’m not arguing about anything over here b/c M scares me.
Wimp! You should be scared of not arguing: she’s a philosophy type. You’ve either got to amuse her or make interesting arguments or feed her pizza. Otherwise she’ll crush you like a grape.
(Oh, hi Melissa! Care for a grape?) 😆
Or … play piano and sing like a crooner. Damn … I can’t do either … but I can select the right music.
Frank’s just afraid. ’cause he knows Melissa would have to go past his house to get to mine. The scream from half a state away would give me too much warning!
Not if she flies into Cleveland first!
But who on earth would WANT to fly into Cleveland? Join the Air Force and fly into Kandahar – it’s safer, and they pay YOU for the privilege!
😆 Omg, you guys are just silly. 😆
Geezum, Frank. I still scare you? My ex used to call me philoso-raptor. 😀 And he’s a nice guy for a dick. 😆
“He’s a nice guy for a dick.” God, you could pump that phrase into a supercomputer, and it would melt itself trying to work THAT out!
M, you DO have a way with the language! 😀
It’s okay. He knows he’s a dick. That’s .05% of the battle. 😆
LMOA … Philoso-raptor …. 🙂
LMOA? Laughing MY … anterior off! (Dude, you SO need a proof-poster! 😉 )
Philosoraptor… have you trademarked that? Sure as hell I’m going to try to steal it.
How about philososaur?
Is it me or does Jesus in that picture look like a long-haired Chuck Norris? And what’s up with Satan, anyway? He looks like hell…
TW
Satan looks like a herpes lesion, doesn’t he?
An excellent thread, Melissa! Thanks for a good laugh too about how your teenager had better be sure, rapture or not, to return your Visa card, hahaha…they say fruit don’t fall from the tree, so, I trust he’s as smart and sensible as you are, so no worries that he’ll be duped by the likes of Harold Camping.
Have a great week! Also, thanks for the heads up regarding former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman…
Hi, Al. 🙂
Did I say Huntsman? I totally meant Obama. 😉