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Rapture Fun Times

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As you all know it’s the eve of the Rapture. Wingnut Christians are beaming up to the mothership–affectionately referred to as Jesus.

You won’t have Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich (wait, I’m being told the Newt stays), the tea party and all of the other nuts to point and laugh at anymore.

Harold Camping is apparently Jesus’ Judgment Day point man on Earth.  Guess Jesus will be too busy kicking Jewish people ass in Jerusalem to do everything.  Priorities.

Camping got some mixed signals in the ’90s and thought Jesus would be visiting in ’94, but he recalibrated the time since Noah’s Ark (WTF????), and May 21, 2011 is freelz. (NYT)

My teenager (not a nut) still has my Visa card that I loaned him last night.  If he gets raptured even accidentally, he’s so grounded.

One nut, who could use a visit from Child Protective Services says,

I have mixed feelings. I’m very excited about the Lord’s return, but I’m fearful that my children might get left behind. But you have to accept God’s will.”    –Ms. Haddad Carson

Her teenage daughter is more worried about the birthday party she was invited to for Saturday night:

So if the world doesn’t end, I’d really like to attend,” Grace said before adding, “Though I don’t know how emotionally able my family will be at that time.”

12:25 PM CDT

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Updates–unless my ass is accidentally rapture in the pre-game show bonanza.

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Friday

12:34 CDT–Since I’m still here, here’s a prank to play on the gullibilities of your wingnut neighbors. Enjoy.

1:10 CDT–Just saw Lawrence O’Donnell pointing out the Camping nut is not such a nut.  He’s made 70 million dollars by scaring the bejeezus out of credulous types.  Wall Street LOVES this guy.

2:17 CDT–Fuck.  I’m jonesing for chocolate.

5:18 CDT–Debating pizza for dinner.

6:02 CDT–Yay, my 15 year old son made first chair French horn.

6:50 CDT–Yay, my 16 year old son will play bari sax in the top jazz band.

7:56 CDT–Stuffed with pizza.

Saturday

10:32 CDT–No apocalyptic shit yet.

1:53 CDT-Floor mopped for the Apocalypse Not.

7:22 CDT–Saying “fuck” a lot pays off.  Not raptured. 😀

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149 thoughts on “Live Blogging the Eve of the Great Snatch

  1. The problem with his 1994 prediction? “He forgot to take into account year zero” – a direct quote from one of his people. SOOOOO – missing one year throws your guess off 17? That is SOME math! 😀
    Never fear, M, if you do get accidentally raptured, I can take over from you. Trust me, I will be THE person left to turn out the lights. 😉

  2. Oh, and from the BBC:
    “An atheist and entrepreneur from North Hampshire, Bart Centre, is enjoying a boost in business for Eternal Earth-bound Pets, which he set up to look after the pets of those who believe they will be raptured. He has more than 250 clients who are paying up to $135 (£83) to have their pets picked up and cared for after the rapture. They would be disappointed twice, he told the Wall Street Journal. “Once because they weren’t raptured and again because I don’t do refunds.””
    Gotta love this guy! 😀

    • Dude, I got the bunker here. Multiple sources of water, generators (not mine, but I know where they are), weapons, ammo, water filtration, kerosene lamps, WW2 Army field phones (like in MASH), bicycles AND a Moped AND 3 cars (2 that run), rail lines nearby, and some nearby bulk food storehouses.
      And goats. Goats are important!
      And cows for more food.
      (That’s all my fractured brain can come up with.) 🙂

    • I’m eating pizza, Jim.

      Maybe the butthole of hell is opening up somewhere. It’s freaking hot outside. I may have to succumb to one of the 7 deadly sins: central air.

  3. And in more unrelated news, I just heard that Randy “Macho Man” Savage died early today, when he lost control of the Jeep he was driving in Florida. 55 years old, an icon of the early days of the WWF (now WWE) alongside “Hulk” Hogan. And another bit of my youth falls away. 😦

      • You don’t own Chrysler products, do you? I’d say HE was raptured, as God would love some entertainment, but sadly enough, it looks like a probable heart attack.
        Thanks for the smile, though! 🙂

        • My folks used to own a Chrysler town car, convertible, with real wood paneling on the sides. My life though has been used Volkswagens and cheap Fords. And motorcycles. Give me a Triumph Tiger/Daytona and I’ll just rapture until god dies.

        • Dang, you DESERVE to be raptured for putting up with cheap Fords. (Are there any OTHER kind of Fords?) You got taste going for a Triumph, though. Great bikes, crappy cars. (Well, not so much crappy. More frustrating, when you hit the headlights and the radio turns on. Or you try to turn on the radio and the wipers switch off. Or you hit the turn indicator and the whole dang car goes dark!) 😀

    • See how your comment segues nicely from Jesus and Old Scratch going at it. 🙂

      So did Macho Man ever wrestle the Assassin? The Assassin is the only one I remember…probably because the word “ass” is in it twice.

      • Not really sure, I think the Assassin came along after I lost interest. Call me fickle, I found traveling around the US and escorting gorgeous women from various sci-fi shows more entertaining than two big, sweaty guys trying to hug each other……

  4. Jesus doesn’t seem like a bright guy: the Rapture takes place Sunday at 6:00 PM. Not 6:00 Eastern Time or Holy Land Time. 6:00 everywhere. So Jesus will destroy our world one time zone at the time. Starting… Friday 11:00 PM. That’s a lousy plan, Jesus.

  5. i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but i don’t think chuckleberry is going to get raptured. look at the picture. only thin people are getting sucked up to heaven. i guess g-d should have gotten a dyson.

    p.s. i’m jewish, so if anyone needs me to look after their pets or water their plants, let me know.

      • So are we going to have a “Rapture after party” like a number of other cities and groups? I wouldn’t mind getting a shot as some of those $5 pizzas! 😀

        • Hey, Melissa, do you deliver? I’ll take two pizzas, thanks. (Rocking after the Rapture, with pizzas and a blonde! Those Christaballoons are gonna miss all the fun.)

          John, is shooting at pizzas legal in your neck of civilization?

        • Dude, not only is shooting at ANYTHING legal in this area, but your manhood and patriotism are questioned if you DON’T shoot at anything and everything. I’ve heard fewer shots in a day during one of our big-time re-enactments than I hear on an average day. Deer season opening sounds like the audio track to a war movie! 😀

          • Ain’t he the one from Boston? Isn’t civilised and Boston an oxymoron, like jumbo shrimp or military intelligence? 😀

            • Hey, if Harvard…. excuse me … “Hahvahd” is your idea of civilisation, you need to get out more! Besides, they wouldn’t even let me into town – I’m allergic to seafood and high-falutin’ college-edumacated folk!

            • Cape Cod, dude, Cape Cod. Every year we stand at the bastions of the Cape Cod Canal to repel the hordes of Boston oxymorons who continue to think the Cape really wants tourists to come here and defile our land and air and water. The level of sarcasm used is simply off the charts.

              • Oh, BTW can I borrow some of your guns? Got anything automatic in fifty cal? Or Claymores. Hell, we may have to resort to poisoning and trapping this year. Just too damn many tourists.

              • Sadly, all my gear is 30 cal and bolt-action. Don’t have any Claymores pre-made, but I could whip you up a batch – just need to pick up the supplies.
                Now, if you have some time, and don”t mind a road trip, I know a place about 2 hours outside downtown Chicago where we can pick up 2 tanks, a halftrack with a quad 50-cal, and a few trucks with at least two 75mm howitzers. Would that help? 😉

              • Well, that would be a start…

                I was thinking maybe some primacord and C4 to take down the bridges, but the bastidges would probably swim across…

                Hell, it’d be cheaper just to move off the damn Cape. It’s going to go under in a few years anyway. I could probably get a good price on the house from a climate-change denier.

              • That’s why I rely on swords. Swords never run out of ammo, and if you can reach them, they are where they don’t belong. 🙂

              • Swords won’t do it. There’s too many of the enemy. It’s either pens or high explosives.

                Say, how about a B2 bomber? Any of those available?

              • Don’t know about the B-2, but I do know the layout of America’s version of CERN, a place called Fermilab in Illinois. Should be able to get some REALLY radioactive stuff outta them. Then we just need to rent a Cessna and drop a dirty bomb on them. And if that’s overkill, we can build our own version of one of the “chunkers” from “Pumpkin Chucking”, but built to fire bowling balls. That should work!

          • Hey, M, give Ric a break. He has to deal with enough weird accents, between the Boston and NYC tourists!

              • Do you realise how long I searched for the correct adjective? It was hard work coming up with “cute”. I was going to choose “adorable”, but that even made ME gag! 😀

              • Deservedly so!

                Anyway, now that Rapture Season has Ruptured, I’m giving my attention to NCAA College Softball Championships. Better than baseball (tiddlywinks, checkers, and watching paint dry are better than baseball). And there is crying in softball!

              • Oh Lord, deliver me from sports fans! Boy, you, Frank, and all the other baseball/softball NUTS I gotta deal with are driving me NUTS! (Well, more so.) Why can’t you have decent, normal hobbies like designing your own battleships and starfleets? And people claim I’m strange…..

              • So much for male bonding! Bah!

                But maybe you don’t understand. College softball is wimmen’s softball. You know, coeds. Girls. And they play a mean, serious game too. They’d wreck your battleship.

              • No Jello.

                They actually make baseball, albeit softball, fun to watch. Men playing baseball pretty much manage to look all bored and macho, with the emotional content of a teaspoon, except for the anger. Women playing college and pro softball: big emotional range, like ten octaves. (I should note that I find most men at least as boring as paint drying.)

                But hey, I wouldn’t want to pull you away from your battleships to watch sports. 🙂

              • You’ve never heard of calling a woman’s …. um … upper chest protrusions “guns”, or especially “big guns”? As in, “look at the big guns under HER sweater”?
                Jeez, way to make a guy feel old! 🙂

              • Like the boys on the US Alaska-class said, “It ain’t the size, it’s the elevation that counts.” 😉
                (That may not work too good, unless you understand the naval combat concept of plunging fire. And no, that’s not a double entendre.)
                Damn, I AM old…..

  6. Just checking to see if you’re still there.

    BTW: I told each of my pastors this morning that it was my last service there ever. They look confused, so I milked it a bit more before telling them, “Since they didn’t come through, I have to find a new church.” One pastor responded, “Good luck finding a church that was successful and still has members.” What a hoot!

  7. An excellent thread, Melissa! Thanks for a good laugh too about how your teenager had better be sure, rapture or not, to return your Visa card, hahaha…they say fruit don’t fall from the tree, so, I trust he’s as smart and sensible as you are, so no worries that he’ll be duped by the likes of Harold Camping.

    Have a great week! Also, thanks for the heads up regarding former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman…

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