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Dear China,

There you go again, being a little bitch.  Please stop sucking.  You should be grateful the Nobel committee saw fit to award your citizen, Liu Xiaobo, with the Peace prize.  But no.  You have to throw a cry baby tantrum (which is in accordance with Western values, dumb fucks).  If you understood public relations and marketing you would have embraced the honor.  Maybe like this:

China: So awesome that even our prisoners get top honors. Yay, communism!

Instead, you pull another Western values faux pas by inventing your own Peace prize.

Very Rand Paul of you. (Source)

But at least this is not as stupid as when you outlawed Tibetans from reincarnation unless the monks got permission from communist party officials. (Source)

That was pretty fucking retarded.

Love, Melissa

親愛的中國,
你又來了,作為一個小婊子。請停止吮吸。你應該感謝諾貝爾委員會認為應該獎勵你的公民,劉曉波,與和平獎。但是,沒有。你不得不放棄了一聲嬰兒發脾氣(這是符合西方的價值觀,啞亂搞)。如果你看得懂的公共關係和營銷你會接受這份殊榮。也許是這樣的:
中國:那麼真棒,因為我們的囚犯獲得的最高榮譽。耶,共產主義!相反,你拉一個西方的價值觀念失禮的發明你自己的和平獎。
保羅非常蘭德你。 (源)但至少這是不是愚蠢的,當您從取締藏族僧人轉世除非得到許可,共產黨官員。 (源)
這是很他媽的遲緩。

愛,梅麗莎

P.S. Please, do not spit in my chow mein. You are excellent cooks, but you just suck with the human rights.

P.S.請不要隨地吐痰,在我的炒麵。你是優秀的廚師,而你只不過吸用人權。

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18 thoughts on “Open Letter to China

  1. Oh that’s just low to throw the Rand Paul argument at China just because of this…

    From Amnesty International:

    In 2009, the authorities stated their intention to increase the use of lethal injection as a “more humane” method of execution than firing squad. Amnesty International estimates a minimum of 7,000 death sentences were handed down and 1,700 executions took place. However, the authorities refused to make public national statistics on death sentences and executions and the real figure is undoubtedly higher.
    http://www.amnesty.org/en/region/china/report-2009

    And you know that China is going to find out who wrote that chow mein joke…

    • Jean-Philippe, I have to inspire fear with China. The Rand Paul poodle hair is universally mocked for the horror, and China knows she must disassociate with this fashion disaster.

      China is like the big, dumb brute that is very good at math and makes a lot of shit for everyone to buy. Lethal injection advertising is all about image. Besides, compared to vivisection of human organs from prisoners, the firing squad is a pleasant picnic.

      P.S. You know they are taking applications at wikileaks. You can use me as a reference for throwing me under the bus for stealing your joke. 😀

  2. Thanks, I share similar sentiments, but cannot verbalise quite like you.. ! China has a few set of principles, which it chooses not to abandon even in the 21st century.. Sad! But, heck it is the Super Power now, so maybe they have something right?!?!
    Interesting site you got here, I am in!
    Rachana.

    • Hi, Rachana! 😀

      China’s population, politics, production, culture all blow my mind. To get so many on the same page is an achievement. However, China’s fanaticism against dissent and failure to accomplish a measure of human rights makes them little more than bullies.

      Thanks for visiting. 🙂

  3. You do realize that as soon as the politicians and religious nuts get that anti-China fervor whipped up to a hot, mindless passion FBI agents and agents of various Congressional investigating committees will be visiting you because you obviously have something going on with China. You’ve got those funny looking Chinese characters all over this post. Very suspicious. They’ll no doubt have to put you someplace secure for your own safety while they torture you for information on the whereabouts of Osama Wu Wei.

    This message will self-destruct almost immediately. We’ve never met. Melissa who? Don’t know her.

  4. I don’t know where to start … from your call-it-how-I see it letter, to Rand Paul’s hair, and ending with Monty Python. … I’m off to the comfee chair.

    • 😀 I am SO on the fast-track to the Diplomatic Corps. Rebuking China makes me feel like Plato’s philosopher princess. I’m pretty sure that’s chapter 99 of the Republic. 😀

      P.S. Please, please, please, China, don’t spit in my Sesame chicken either or my crab rangoon with plum sauce…omg, that stuff is to die for!

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