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The TSA doesn’t like it when you don’t let their fugly agents touch your penis:

TSA dude: Do you have any external or internal implants that i need to be aware of?

Johnny Edge: No.

TSA dude: I’m gonna be doing a standard pat-down on you today.  Using my hands going like this.

Johnny Edge: Alright.

TSA dude: Also, we’re going to be doing a groin check.  That means I’m going to place my hand on your hip, my other hand on your inner thigh, slowly go up and slide down.  I’ll do that two times in the front and two times in the back

Johnny Edge: Alright.

TSA dude: And if you’d like a private screening, we can make that available for you, also.

Johnny Edge: We could do that out here, but if you touch my junk, I’m gonna have you arrested.

TSA ANNOUNCEMENT: Security is everyone’s responsibility. (Video: 3:20 through 3:57)

OMG!  I love America!!!

Moving right along to the exchange with Agent McFeelsalottacock’s boss:

Supervisor McFeelsalottatwat:  You have a couple of choices here.

Johnny Edge:  Okay

Supervisor McFeelsalottatwat:  Someone is going to pat you down, and they will be raising their hand up your inner thigh until they reach the bottom of your torso (TSA code for cock).  If you’re not comfortable with that, we can escort you back out, and you don’t have to fly today.

Johnny Edge: Okay, I don’t understand how a sexual assault can be made a condition of my flying.

Supervisor McFeelsalottatwat:  This is not considered a sexual assault.

Johnny Edge: It would be if you weren’t the government.

Supervisor McFeelsalottatwat: This is considered an administrative search, and we are authorized to do it.  You submitted yourself to it by coming through the checkpoint.

Johnny Edge: Well there’s a whole bunch of people that went through and didn’t submit themselves to it.

Supervisor McFeelsalottatwat: Everybody has submitted themselves. I submitted myself. Rob has.  We have all submitted ourselves.

Johnny Edge: Well, if you enjoy being touched by other people that’s fine.  I’d like only my wife and maybe my doctor to touch me there.  (Video: 5:00 through 5:41)

You damn civil libertarians are pissing off Michael Chertoff!

Johnny Edge’s whole story is here.

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36 thoughts on “Johnny Edge Cock Blocks the TSA

    • There’s got to be some alternative to this virtual strip search bullshit. Why the fuck are they x-raying heads?

      Use ultrasound technology. Or images so large that you can’t say, that’s a naked guy…yet irregularities are apparent.

      For fuck sake. Do I have to solve everything! 😉

    • They play mind games with you, though, and put you through stress tests. a) Stand in line for a while in an artificial confined space. Does anyone get nervous? b) Attractive attendant asks you questions to put you at your ease. Are you at your ease? c) uh oh — attendant has to take your documents away to show to a “supervisor/bad cop”. Do you panic? d) Bad cop asks you questions about your trip — can you answer them? (It actually doesn’t really matter what you answer — just that your answers come trippingly to your tongue.

      *That’s* how they operate. But over here, where we think torture is the way to go because the only indirect thing we’ve ever done is pretend to be sick to get out of work, like, three days in a row, we think, nah, let’s jam our fingers up everyone’s collective rear.

      All that said, Israel just has the one intl airport that I know of, Ben Gurion, so I’m not sure how scalable their systme is.

      • The random searches have yielded nothing. The cockbomber was on a suspected terrorist list but NOT singled out for additional security screening or prohibited from boarding the flight. Um, nuts.

      • Yeah, probably wouldn’t work here. After all, you’d have to have a lot of intelligent people running an intelligent system and training lots of other intelligent people who would expect more than whatever pissy wage the TSA pays its front-line patters to insult people and run the herds through superexpensive scanners that are making former so-called anti-terror government bureaucrats rich, in part because they screwed up so badly in putting the current intelligence gathering systems together.

  1. there’s such a simple answer to all of this. hire only nurse practitioners as tsa agents, and make the security pat-downs medical exams. while they’re grabbing the family jewels, make sure to turn your head and cough. back-scatter x-ray? helloooo!!! mammogram!! everyone’s always bitching about the cost of health care. kill 2 birds with one stone. a healthy passenger is a happy passenger.

    next problem, please!

  2. Fuck the TSA its all a sham. I do ct scans and xray for a living. If someone wants to get something on a plane all the have to do is shove it up the ass or the vagina. simple as that. This is Bullshit, just like the war on drugs. Simple makework for halftards. Back scatter radiation can’t detect anything internal.

  3. Balance is key in all matters, especially regarding this sensitive issue. I’m all for sound security measures to ensure public safety, yet let’s promote meausres that do not infring upon the very rights of the people we are trying to keep safe. There’s nothing “safe” about choosing the lesser of two evils here, especially when one’s goodies are being groped by strangers. Wasn’t there a time when unwelcomed advances were against the law? Bring on the bomb sniffng dogs, and leave the goodies alone. If a trained bomb sniffing dog alerts attention to a specific individual, then by all means, with that possible probable cause in play, don the groping gloves (but do so in private and maintain the dignity of that individual in case the dog is having an off day).

    Have a good week, Melissa.

    • Hi, Al. Dogs seem like the no-brainer answer. Especially since the technology cannot detect items in orifices.

      Man, if someone tried to put my child in that scan (13 and up can be scanned), I’d pitch a fit worthy of getting kicked out of the airport. Creepy ass weirdos.

          • So, the United States Marshals are a bunch of perverts.

            One might object that it was only a handful of rogue marshals in Florida who decided to break the rules and save images. But we obviously have no guarantee that they, like the ‘few bad apples’ at Abu Ghraib messed with some Iraqis. We know the Abu Ghraib deal went right to the top of the DOD. We would be fair in assuming the same possibility here, that is, the U.S. Marshals are, by official if unwritten and unspoken policy, a bunch of law-breaking perverts.

            And with the Democrats caving left and right to every dogassed, dumbmouthed Republican in the country, we can expect more of this crap. Lots more. Laws, rules, regulations, the Constitution, all are meant to be ignored by Republicans. Soon enough, if you object to having your body scanned and felt up by strangers, you can expect a cattle prod up your ass. It’s the Republican way.

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