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Contract on America 2.0
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Republicans have rolled out a brand-new, never-before-even-ever-thought-of, metric shit ton of ideas for saving the world a.k.a. America.

Psych!

House Minority leader John’s Boehner of Ohio took to the mike today to announce that he’s never used a tanning bed or tan-in-a-can or fake-and-bake.

Freelz. That stuff hasn’t even been invented yet in Ohio.

And along with that load of crap, Boehner unveiled this beautiful rainbow of totally genius, unthought of shit:

Smaller government so that even fewer government workers can watch out for gas pipes that might fucking explode in neighborhoods and kill people, oil rigs that explode and kill people, levees that break and kill people, and bridges that collapse and kill people.

Permanently extend all the Bush tax cuts especially on the wealthy Americans, so America has no money to pay for all of its shit, and poor folks can all die.

Cancel all unspent stimulus money on infrastructure and shit so the economy stops being stimulated and America shrivels up, fails to get an erection, and dies.

Repeal the Obama health care bill so the sick can rightfully die as ordained by Republican Jesus.

Block Obama’s plan to close Guantanamo Bay so the rest of the world will remember we rocked the torture and crazies will try to kill us so that we die.

Ask all citizens of our nation — men and women of good will and good heart — who are scheduled to die under the Republican plan, hurry up and do it so that there will be more shit for the survivors.

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31 thoughts on “Contract of Death on America Reloaded Promises More Death!

  1. You’re kidding?! Erectile failure leads to death? Or is that just code for Obama’s failure to stand up to these people thus leading to the death of democracy?

    Time for political Viagra! Alan Grayson for President!

    (Full disclosure: I really can’t stand those insipid commercials for fuck drugs.)

  2. Is the Republican Jesus the guy who tells the Baby Jesus he’s can’t get health-care because being The Messiah is a pre-existing condition? 🙂

    TW
    p.s. When do we get to meet up at Rustic Inn Crab House again?

    • Yes, then he spanks Baby Jesus and wonders why Baby Jesus hits other kids.

      P.S. No plans for 2011, yet. I may have to start saving to send my high schoolers to Italy. I should definitely chaperone that! 🙂

  3. Bo(eh)ner- *I don’t use a tanning salon or tan-in-a-can! Our water supply here in Ohio is so fucked up because the GOP here isn’t allowing anything good to happen here, (except for when we allow election fraud in November), so I just take a shower and come out all orange! Hell, my inadequate dick and balls turn orange and when I can get Little Orange Julius to squirt, even his juice is orange!

  4. I’m just catching up on your blog now… Wow! This was an awesome post! John Stewart needs a writer like you! Fast, hard hitting and effective! Awesome work, writechic! Awesome!

    • Thank you, Ken. I beat Jon (my hero) Stewart to it, too…though his shit was funny.

      He compared Republicans to a guy who broke up with his girlfriend (America)…Honey, so we broke up. So let’s start again. And I’m still gonna try to do your sister. It’s just who I am. Whaddya say? 😀

  5. “Republicans have rolled out a brand-new, never-before-even-ever-thought-of, metric shit ton of ideas for saving the world a.k.a. America.

    Psych!”

    Oh, noooo…just when I thought my party was FINALLY going to put it all together to be a viable alternative…

    Back to the drawing table…darn it!!!!

    Have a great week, Melissa!

    • I didn’t say Republicans aren’t going to stomp Democratic souls, Al, come November.

      America must need leaders who believe that human brains are planted in mice heads and women should be having their rapists’ babies…oh, and teenage girls giving birth to their aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews is cool. Blah.

      Make room at the drawing board! 🙂

      • You must have misunderstood the thing about mice.

        It must have been mice brains planted in Republican heads. See, that makes sense and it explains a lot.

        But it is offensive to mice.

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