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Think of all the fucked-up, dysfunctional, inbred neighbors you’ve ever had.  Everyone’s teeth were discolored from nutritional deficiencies.  The oldest child appeared as if he generally consumed all the food in the house while the seven younger siblings looked to be in the throes of starvation.  They were all held back at least one grade level.  The youngest child pooped in your backyard.  The mother slept all day and worked nights, and the father was mostly heard using a drunken slur as he yelled obscenities at the kids, but strangely he was rarely spotted.  The dog barked constantly and looked better fed than the oldest child.

I’m drawing on about 6 crazy neighbor families over my lifetime for that description.  Just so ya know.

This is where I had to go in my head to come up with something analogous (as a personal comprehension strategy) for the fuckupitudeness of North Korea.

Fathom if you will a comedy so bad, it makes Rich Little’s performance for President Bush seem like the gut-splitting brainchild of Robin Williams, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor.

Aw, yeah.  That’s a lot of sucking.

Yet, Kim Jong Il Tv pulls it off.  As North Korea runs out of food in mid-April, one of the world’s longest airing comedies, the communist country’s “It’s So Funny” on state tv extols the virtues and jocularity of….

wait for it…

wait for it…

wait for it….

Food.

Beans.

More precisely…growing beans the way General Kim Jong Il tells you to so North Korean soldiers can be happy.

So many chuckles to mine from a nation fixin’ to starve…so little time!

Starvation time in North Korea actually has a name: choongoong or spring poverty. The people know they will live on rations to nothing until summer crops can be harvested.

The Wall Street Journal writes about the clusterfuck in trying to guarantee the humane distribution of food donated from around the world.  The North Korean government plays favorites on who gets food.

All this as the soldier comedians on tv sing about medicine made from beans making a man look more handsome.

And Kim Jong Il…”He had tried so hard to fill the people’s tables.”

Jesus Christ.  I’d be an execution waiting to happen in a place like that.

I think Trey Parker and Matt Stone have given us the character of North Korea’s dictator better than anybody else:

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15 thoughts on “Gosh, North Korea, Why are You SO Fucked Up?

  1. So as the voiceover says, the comedy show is a production of the North Korean government, and critics say that it is no more than a platform for government propaganda? Jeez, how insightful! What do they expect, Jon Stewart – North Korea style?

    • Yeah, that reporter had the charisma and insight of a coma patient. NTDTV is a platform for reporting on Chinese culture…and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out WHY the show didn’t peg this report to choongoong when right now is exactly that time. That would have been so much more informative than It’s So Funny is not funny.

      But I just checked out NTDTV’s board of directors, and it looks like the channel is generally interested in promoting tourism.

      • no, silly, though i wish i had written that one. think of the royalties everyone would owe me. no royalties for this one:

        to the tune of Jean (written by Rod McKuen):

        Beans, beans, served with cornbread,
        Think I’d better loosen my jeans,
        But my finger don’t pull,
        After just one bowlful,
        Cause I’m gonna eat all of these beans.

        Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart,
        And all other body parts, too,
        But just know when you’re done,
        The aftermath is not fun,
        No one likes you when you’ve eaten beans.

        While you’re eating them, you can be filled with such poise,
        But beware, you’ll be making unfortunate noise,
        Yes, you are looking classy, but you’re getting gassy…

        Eat your beans, beans, they’re so good for you,
        As a food, they make so much sense,
        Though some will go insane, by the smell of methane,
        Celebrate your own flatulence!!

        Beans!! They make me feel alive!!
        Source of fiber and protein,
        If you see that i grinned, it’s because I passed wind,
        It’s not my fault, I just ate some beans…

    • Couldn’t agree more, JM. North Korea is anything but a communist state. Shit, it’s not even socialist . . . or close. But maybe it’s nos also a monarchy. Let’s call the totalitarian bastard what he is — a dictator. And hardly from the Tito mold. W/C, you keep coming up with some lesser known and great stuff. Beautiful and smart. What must your husband think?

  2. Great Bean Song, Nonnie.

    NK is like a bad car wreck you pass by on the highway – you know you shouldn’t look, but you just can’t help it. Morbidly facinating.

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