Real Whiz
Generic Drunk Girl Stars as “Indiana”

I guess dignity is too big to pack!

The staff at Andy’s Motel had the pleasure of meeting “Indiana” Monday morning.   The resident artist and housekeeper first encountered this delicate Midwestern flower as she staggered against a railing, grabbed hold of it with one hand, and dropped her bikini bottoms with the other,

and she started whizzing like she had a fire hose between her legs!  I’ve never seen anything like it!  It was gross.”  —Justin resident artist (in disbelief)

“Aw, man.  I wish I never saw that.”  –Alex from Housekeeping (grimacing as if the girl had destroyed his notion of feminity forever)

Justin yelled out in very colorful language that she cease and desist to which she responded by shooting him the bird.  She then stood up and re-girded her loins with the bottom half of her swim suit.  Justin warned her not to step in her own pee.  She stepped in her own pee and flipped off Justin again.

Mind you.  This is before noon.

She then tried to exit the premises from Justin’s private deck where there is no exit.  Justin (recovering from the grossness because he realizes the young woman needs help) tries to explain she cannot leave that way.  Justin gets the finger again for his trouble.

He points her towards the exit.  She does a stumbly saunter by the office and sits in the middle of the driveway.  Justin comes in the office to apprise my mom.  The young lady doesn’t know where she is or where she is staying except that she points West consistently when asked.  Justin calls her into the office.

She lets us know she is from Indiana, and she is SO drunk.

(Which…we kinda figured out the latter.)

We suggest she call friends first.  She calls out the address which I write down.  My sister calls a taxi.  Moments later she calls her friends to ask when they are picking her up.  She calls out an address with different numbers which I again write down.  My sister takes the phone and talks to her friends to make sure we have the right numbers to give the cabbie.  She calls her friends one more time wondering where they are.

Her taxi arrives, and I hand him the address.  Indiana tells me she is not paying (as if the driver is deaf) then plops down in the front seat.  I head back into the office wondering if she’ll puke en route.


20 thoughts on “Indiana and the Temple of Her Familiar: Another Spring Break Vignette

  1. This is not what I needed to hear to start my day. Not at all. A pissy drunk broad stumbling around a beach motel. No. Now I have to go back to bed and sleep for 24 hours to clear this out of my head. You may have done permanent damage to my fragile sense of being. On the other hand, perhaps I should just sip my coffee and be thankful I wasn’t there. Maybe I’ll just press flowers for the day to build up my strength again, you know, arms, shoulders, biceps. The world has become strange. Again. How much longer are you going to be at the beach regaling us with messed-up human behavior?

    • You sound like Alex, Grumpy. 🙂

      I think most of my posts are about messed-up human behavior. This wench is causing less harm than Archdickhead Chaput or AHIP.

      But it’s raining today. There shouldn’t be too much excitement.

      • Are you sure Alex doesn’t sound like me? Who’s Alex, BTW?

        Well, it’s true that messed up human behavior is the most interesting kind. The other stuff is so sunshiny and hopeful and wishful and dishwater dull. I like angst. Not so much the bodily fluid drunken sort of angst, but the other kinds. Rational angst.

        But you just keep those posts coming. You aren’t the Queen for nothing, you know.

        • Alex is the housekeeper who used to think women were the paragon of beauty, but Indiana shattered his belief.

          I’m looking for stories now. Wonkette called the Palin-Bachman meeting a big-haired lesbian rally. That’s kinda funny. 🙂

      • 😀 My college age son hates that I’m here. I text him every few hours, “Are you safe?” Heh, heh, heh. Totally cramping his cool.

          • Thx, Cookie.

            Now, my college age daughter and her friends have my aptitude for wild living…barely exists. Thank, God. She walks on the beach, we went shopping, and played board games with my teen sons, 12 year old brother, and 11 year old nephew.

            My younger boys (15 and 13) are killing me with the way they like to taunt the drunkies. The boys will walk by a likkered-up collegiate type and cough, “Asshole!!!” Then when confronted, they’re all, “You’re hearing things, dude.” 🙂

  2. good thing you documented this, because in another 20 years or so, she can put this on her campaign ad when she’s running in the indiana republican congressional primary. as the family values candidate, of course.

          • How about “Black Out”? Each show would open the day after, and the show would be all about piecing together what happened the night before. She could wake up in jail, a hospital, in bed with a couple of dudes, a ditch somewhere.

            That’s be amusing for a show or two, and then get sad really quickly.

            • Omg, a ditch. That’s hideous. But my sister told me once about a spring breaker that was asleep on the sidewalk of the main drag. My sis’ boyfriend is an investigator for the DA’s office here. They pulled over and woke the person up and sent them on their way.

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