President Hu Jintao
China tries to hack Google Accounts

Don’t be evil, bitches!

Google threatens China with a free society.   The search engine giant has ended its censorship deal with the communist* nation after finding out the company’s infrastructure was attacked by some super-duper sophisticated hacker.

Not sophisticated enough!

Without saying, “Chinese government,” Google indicated some asshole tried to infiltrate the gmail accounts of Chinese human rights workers.  Part of Google’s agreement with the country included rigorous monitoring of http://www.google.cn/.   The company says, it is open to further discussions, but no longer will do the dirty work.  Thirty percent of China’s market relies on Google.

And don’t bother with your open letter to China, folks.  I thought of one over dinner with lots of references to being gay…because this was supposed to be a diplomatic letter and the Chinese are just tickled by homosexuality.  Here’s how it turned out:

Before Translator–
Dear China,

Why are your freedom of speech policies so gay?    Why did you try to infiltrate the human rights workers’ Google accounts?   This is so gay.   Hating freedom of speech is a homosexual behavior.  So, dear China, please stop acting so gay.

You did excellent work hosting the Olympics in Beijing by the way.  Good job.   The Olympics are not gay like censorship.

Thank you, Melissa

親愛的中國 為什麼是您的言論自由政策很同性戀? 為什麼您設法滲入人權工作者的Google帳戶? 這是同性戀行為。 恨言論自由是同性戀特徵。 如此,中國,請停止行動很快樂。 您在北京的做了一個優秀工作順便說一句主持奧林匹克。 好工作。 奧林匹克不是同性戀的像審查。

After Translator:

Dear China, why your freedom of speech policy is very homosexuality?     Why do you try to permeate the human rights worker’s Google account?   This is the gaydar.    Hates the freedom of speech is the homosexuality characteristic.   So, China, please stop moving very homosexuality.  You did an outstanding work in Beijing by the way to preside over the Olympics.  Good work. The Olympics are not the homosexuality elephant examination.
Thanks, Melissa

While it’s hysterical that the Chinese translator has a word for GAYDAR, but not censorship, it’s still just wrong.

*Special note for right-wing nutjobs.  This is the proper usage of the word communist.  Yay, English.


10 thoughts on “Google Going Iron Monkey on China???

  1. Fucking impressive! China hit within 15 seconds of me posting.

    Hi, President Hu…the organ harvesting bullshit sucks, too. 🙂

  2. i can’t believe they have a word for gaydar either! the “homosexuality elephant examination” has me quite concerned though. is the elephant gay or just the examination?

    • I’m pretty sure once the words “gay” and “homosexuality” appear so many times; necessarily the word elephant appears to honor all things Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Bob Allen, and Ted Haggard.

      The Chinese are very efficient.

    • Ok. I could A) laugh B) cry, or C) throw up.

      Jesus Christ. I’m gonna have to change your name to Ow Hole.

      You are very, very welcome.

      • “Hates the freedom of speech is the homosexuality characteristic.”

        Think any Tolkien fans were in on this translation business?

        • I’m reminded of the classic Mad magazine spoof of Empire Strikes Back: “What expect you from a man years old 900 — English perfect?”

          Or possibly “It puts the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again.”

          • My boys use that line “it puts the lotion on its skin” while throwing sunscreen bottles at each other at the beach.

            And I can’t help but think of Joe Dirt. Don’t know what came first.

      • Better “ow hole” than “owl hole”.

        In case you missed it, the best customer review of that…book…currently showing on the Amazon page is the one that goes:

        “At the risk of seeming disgusting, permit me to say that several days after I started this practice, I experienced what was probably the largest bowel movement in my life. I’ve also lost a few inches around the waistline and my energy level seems to be rising.

        Perhaps there’s some wisdom in this book after all!”

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