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State of Alabama Rules Your Football World
There will be humiliation.

A lot of mocking and scorn is heaped on the state of Alabama.  It’s true:

  • We’re mean to Mexicans.
  • We have a horribly bigoted history.
  • We’re gun nuts.
  • We have the lion’s share of religious mental cases.
  • We suck at math.
  • We disdain science, particularly evolution.  (We refuse to evolve.)
  • We can’t fucking spell.
  • Grammar? Forget about it. (Confer: Blingee Gfx “Auburn Tigers Rules” :shock: )
  • Our politics range from absurd to corrupt.

Additionally, we’re a poor ass state.

All criticism we receive is answered with a point westward…

Have you seen Mississippi?????  Which is totally fair.

However, there are some things you cannot deny us.

We own football!!!!!!!!!  We are brilliant athletes!!!!!!!!!

Last year it was the Crimson Tide; this year it’s Auburn.  Count on it.  I already know they’ll win.

You can also thank Alabama for the inspiring socialist…

(a real socialist…not like Obama)

….Helen Keller who was a founding member of the ACLU and the first disabled woman to receive a University degree in America.

From Radcliffe, bitches!  That’s Harvard University with a twat!

And we’ve given you Wikipedia founder…Jimmy Wales.

We’re awesome.  I know.  You’re welcome. :-D

Our barbecue ribs and chocolate cream pies kick ass, too.

Critical Update: OMG!!! How could I forget????  We’re fat!!!

To which I say…have you seen Mississippi.

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36 thoughts on “The State of Alabama Rules Your Football World. Deal.

    • I didn’t even mention our forests, Vicki! They’re absolutely beautiful…and our little mountains. (Our coast may still be a little fucked up after Tony Haytard and BP.)

  1. you typed a lot of words, but you could have saved wear and tear on your fingers by just typing ‘we’re not mississippi.’ or ‘we’re not arizona.’ the latter works very well these days. :(

  2. This piece is just too funny! And don’t think for a minute that Texasdoesn’t thanks MS too for being the magnetic center for ignert. Been wanting to ask your expert opinion on what the hell is wrong with Montgomery? Does the ghost of old Jeff Davis walk the nights spreading evil? The reason I ask refers to a program I watch on RFD about choo-choos that did one one the American Freedom Train, a great tradition started in the post WW2 era that travels all around the country (480 cities) with displays of the constitution and historical displays of what makes our great country so great-except Montgomery- that announced the exhibit could only be allowed in town if the crowd was segregated to keep the coloreds out. What the fuck is wrong with these people?…PS..AFT cancelled the stop.

    • Ya know Jer…when I took my tots to see the Civil Rights Memorial at the Southern Poverty Law Center (early 90s), a black custodian was on top of the capitol dome putting up the Confederate flag.

      Nuts.

  3. Congratulations for the win … and the great post …. and good to know you survived the ice.

    Question: Did Tide fans root for Auburn last night? How about the reverse last year? And yes — I know the two hate each other.

    Alabama Man was worth going to YouTube to see! :)

  4. Hi Melissa!

    Am trying to compose myself from laughing even more @ your clever, cute and witty reference to Mississippi <<<<<hope I spelled that right. H/T to your beloved Alabama. Congratulations! Have a great week!

  5. I’ve long been a proponent of AL. I’ve been a lot of places, and I think it’s a little unknown gem. We deservedly get a bad rap for a lot of stuff, but I also know you can go to just about any place else and find a lot of the same problems…rednecks, small-minded people, racism of some sort, crooked politicians, etc. But we’ve also got a great variety of natural beauty, (usually) great weather, some of the friendliest and most generous people around, cuisine that is unequaled (IMHO), a more enjoyable pace of life, among other things. I’ve always been quite content to listen to other people dog us, knowing that for all our faults, for the most part we have it pretty good here, and those other people are ignorant of our charms. But that’s OK, if they all find out, they’ll want to move here.

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